i hope you can hear me mommy

written by:  William T Fearby

@william.fearby

mom you know how much i love you this is hard for me to say
but i have been keeping secrets and lying to you every day
my heart is so full of guilt i didn't know how to tell you why
every day i carried my sordid secret it really made me cry

it started when i was seven years old i was daddy's special girl
i was such a happy child you and daddy were my whole world
daddy used to sit me on his knee and really hug me tight
i used to love all the stories that he read to me at night

but then he started touching me in a very different way
i told him i didn't like it it's our secret he would always say
i used to dread the feelings when he came to my room at night
i would always start to cry i knew what he was doing wasn't right

this carried on through my childhood right into my teen years
my daddy told me it was ok and talked me through all my fears
saying i would never hurt you, you are very special can't you see
as he slipped into my bed at night and started having sex with me

i hated every moment the smell of his hot breath on my face
the faint odour of his stale aftershave overwhelmed my space
he really degraded me and made me feel disgust and shame
it got so bad that i would shake with fear at the mention of his name

i'm so sorry mom i was so scared to tell you he said it would kill you
he said he would deny it and it would break up our family too
so i kept my sordid secret for over thirty years from you
but now you have passed away i want to tell you what i went through

i hope you can forgive me you meant the world to me
i didn't want to break your heart i hope you can see
i had to keep my sordid secret so i didn't hurt you as well
i don't care about dad's feelings i hope he rots in hell

he took away my childhood and all my memories too
he tainted everything by what he did to me and you
so mommy please forgive me i didn't know what to do
i know if i had told you it would have ruined your life too

mommy i really miss you my life gets harder every day
i only wish that i had told you to make it all go away
i hope you can hear me mommy i need to tell you this
there is no one in this life except you that i miss