I had a vision several weeks ago
the stone in my garden spoke to me
Oi, tosser." it began
I fell to my knees in awe
Once I'd stood up again, I brushed the awe off my trousers
"What do you want?" I replied
"You are the chosen one." It said.
You are my leading tosser
I threw up my arms in joy
then reattached them to my shoulders when they fell back down again
"You must worship me." It said
"Stone me!" I replied
It did exactly that.
Once I regain consciousness I realised the stone
was god.
I began to write down its words:
'Kiss all snakes, be nice to rabbits,
drink only tea,
eat bread twice a day."
It then said crossly: "Anyone who does not do that,
should be shot, knifed, decapitated."
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